Be Careful What You Ask
by Psycho-dono
Summary: Crackfic! Ichigo learns that curiosity really does kill. Rated for language. Spoilers for end of SS arc.
1. Chapter 1

"Oi, Yoruichi-san. Why did you take on a cat form here in the human world?" 

"Oh? You sure you want to hear this, Ichigo? It's not for virgin ears."

"I'm 16 damnit! I've already gotten that talk at school and from my dad!" Ichigo tries to suppress the shudder from _that_ memory.

Yoruichi considers, "Well, sure why not! Your expressions are always priceless!"

"Shut up!" Ichigo is _not_ amused. "Between you and the Geta-boushi... That's another thing! What the hell's up with that stupid hat? I swear he wears that thing everywhere... Now stop messing around and tell me already!"

"Ok, ok. Settle down 'fore you give yourself an aneurism or something. 'sides! It's the same story anyway!"

"Huh?" Ichigo isn't sure he still wants to know anything about this.

"Okay, ya know we left Seireitei 200 years ago, right? Back then, there weren't any hysterectomies and stuff for people. But animals got spayed so I chose a cat!"

"...you turned into a cat so you could have your... _equipment_... removed? WTF?!"

"Oi, oi! I ain't done yet! This is when you learn about Kisuke's hat!"

"..." Ichigo has a bad feeling. Like the kind of feeling he gets right before Isshin does something in public...

"Ya see, Kisuke didn't really get exiled because he made that untrackable gigai, that was just the official excuse. He really was kicked out because of his 'pregnant look'."

"His _WHAT_?"

"His 'pregnant look'! A simple look in the eye would cause any female shinigami to become pregnant!"

Ichigo suddenly has the mental image of a Urahara-godzilla shooting beams from its eyes that cause any who got hit to become pregnant. Ichigo's brain now looks like pudding.

"So first thing he did when he got here was get that hat so nobody could ever look him in the eyes!"

"But, then, why did you-"

"Like I was going to take the chance the hat would fall off? A woman can only have so many abortions."

----

Unbetaed crackfic that entered my brain at work. Still your fault, Kageseme...

Ichigo IS 16 by the time the Soul Society arc is done. Shinigami powers in May, Birthday July 15, end of SS arc puts them back in school at around August. So there.

Geta-boushi means something along the lines of 'sandal-hat'. Ichigo's little nickname for Urahara.

My world. This is crackfic, so who cares?


	2. Chapter 2

Good god the Prego-beams returned... I only hope this is the end.

-------------------------------

Ichigo had been looking rather... _dazed_ lately. Orihime, Chad, Keigo, and even Tatsuki had all tried to snap him out of it. And judging from the glares directed at him, it was now Ishida's turn.

"Ano, Kurosaki-kun?"

"Uh?"

"What's wrong with you?"

Ichigo just shrugs.

"... Everybody's worried about you. What caused this?"

"...Yoruichi."

"Yoruichi-san? How could she have done this? You don't get near this bad even when she flashes you."

"She explained... _stuff_."

"_Stuff_?"

After much coercion, and extreme patience on Ishida's part, Ichigo spoke of what had happened.

"That's it?"

"... WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'THAT'S IT'?!"

"Urahara having a 'pregnant gaze'? Yoruichi taking preventive measures? What's so bad about it?"

"It's not like Urahara's the first and only being to have the gaze."

"..._WHAT_?!"

"You've never wondered why all Ishida Quincys wear glasses?"

Ichigo is scared. Very.

"Yes, we also have a version of the 'pregnant look'. Our glasses are specially made to cancel out the beam."

"... So your look makes women pregnant too?"

"Of course not!"

Ichigo lets out a sigh of relief.

"The Ishida Gaze only works on men. Do you need me to demonstrate?"


	3. Chapter 3

Ok, to those who reviewed and wanted more:

**I HATE YOU ALL!!!**

* * *

Ichigo looked even worse coming home from school than he had before. Yuzu was getting really worried. 

"Otou-san, I think something's really wrong with Onii-chan."

"He probably just got hit in the head."

"Karin-chan! Onii-chan seems like he's really upset!"

"Otou-san shall go fix Onii-chan!"

"You'll only make it worse when you kick him in the head."

"I would never do such a thing to my only son!"

"You did it to him this morning."

"That was just a friendly 'Have a good day' kick!"

"That's enough you two! Someone needs to help Onii-chan!"

"Hmm. Come on, Yuzu. We're going to that shop you like so much. Ichi-nii should be fine by the time we come back."

As Karin and Yuzu quickly make their retreat, Isshin quickly makes his entrance into Ichigo's room.

"ICHIGO!!!"

"Huh?"

"... Wha, what's wrong with Daddy's firstborn?! Come to Daddy's welcoming bosom!"

"... What did you want?"

"Uh... well... Karin and Yuzu are worried about you. You've been acting... really OOC."

"...Whut?"

"Out Of Character! Yuzu was showing Daddy all these interesting terms and stuff on the computer last night!"

"...oh."

"Ichigo, what's wrong?"

"...nuthin."

"**Ichigo**."

Ichigo figured it couldn't get any worse, and told him of what had happened the past two days.

"Wow... a 'pregnant gaze' you say? Can I meet them?"

"What the fuck?!"

"It's such a rare ability! I want to meet them!"

"Wait, YOU KNEW THIS WAS EVEN POSSIBLE?!"

"Of course! I studied it in med school."

Ichigo just stares.

"So, my son, is that all that's bothering you?"

"...no, that's not the problem."

"Huh? What does Ichi-chan need? You can tell Daddy anything."

"...Dad, I-NEED-AN-ABORTION!"

TBC

* * *

Yes, this monstrosity will have more parts. I hate my brain. 


	4. Chapter 4

This thing just keeps growing...

But, uh, thanks for the reviews!!

* * *

"Are you sure Onii-chan's gonna be fine when we get back?" 

"Of course I'm sure, Yuzu. Dad does have some use."

"I hope you're right, Karin-chan."

"I'm always right! Oh, is this that store?"

"Yep! Snacks here are really cheap!"

"'Urahara Shouten'? Lame. And it even looks like a rundown shack."

"What are you callin' a rundown shack?!"

"YOU!!"

Karin promptly kicks her soccer ball into Jinta's head.

"Who's Karakura Red now?"

"Oww..."

"Jinta-kun! Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. A real man can take anything!"

Karin kicks Jinta's head directly this time.

"Don't spout such lame pickup lines!"

"What's all the ruckus out here? My, it's Kurosaki-san's little sisters! How cute!"

"...You sound like a pedophile."

Urahara hides behind his fan.

"What do you mean by that? I'm a lawful being!"

"You're creepy."

"Oi, stop bugging the boss!"

"Stay outta this you little brat!"

Karin and Jinta quickly get into a shouting match.

"You two, stop fighting!"

"Oh, just let them tire themselves out. They'll be so much easier to deal with then."

"But..."

"Trust me! So, what did you come by for? I might as well get your items since they might be at it for a while..."

"Oh, I was just here for some snacks. They're really cheap here. Ahh!! I never introduced myself! I'm Kurosaki Yuzu."

"We did skip introductions, didn't we? My name is Urahara Kisuke. I'm the owner of this shop."

"Really? I've never seen you here before..."

"I usually get my employees to cover the shop."

"Oh, I see."

"So then, what was it you needed?"

"I usually get 500 yen worth of snacks, but it always seems to be too much..."

"Oh, don't mind that! The Urahara Shouten is always willing to help in its employee's love lives!"

A huge explosion blasts into the shop from the doorway, leaving Jinta and Karin fuming.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY?!"

"Uh..."

Urahara looks on in horror as his hat floats gently to the ground.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

... Uh, hello? I'm still surprised that I have stalkers... So uh, thanks?

* * *

Urahara's mouth worked but no sound came out. 

"Uh... um... How old are you, Yuzu-chan?"

Karin kicks the soccer ball into Urahara's head.

"You really are a pedo! Back off, freak!"

"B- But I was just asking! How am I supposed to know what gifts to tell Jinta to get her if I don't know how old she is?"

"Get this through your head, you creepy bastard! NOBODY'S DATING YUZU!"

Yuzu has tuned out the argument, as she does most arguments in the Kurosaki household.

"Here's your hat, Urahara-san."

"Oh, thank you. So-?"

"I'm 10, Urahara-san."

"... Oh thank god..."

"What was that you pervert?!"

"N- NOTHING!!"

Urahara felt relief flood him. Pregnant looks only worked if the _target_ had gone through puberty at some point. Not even Karin's kicks to his head could dim the warm feeli-

"YEEOWWWW!!"

"K- Karin-chan. That was really low..."

"The pervert deserved it!"

"Uh, I think we should get going..."

"Wait!"

Jinta quickly fills a bag to overflowing with a lot more snacks than 500 yen would ever buy.

"Here ya go! Uh, come back again! But not _you_."

"Like hell I'd ever come by a dump like this."

"IT'S NOT A DUMP!"

Urahara was very glad his gaze would still let him have kids. And he wondered how long it would be before he could mo-

"Tenshu! Are you alright?"

"Ah... I'm ok, Tessai. I'm just laying down..."

"From your posture and painful expression, I deduce that your manly gonads have been injured! I have just the thing to cure you of this pain!"

* * *

And to those of you who thought I'd make Yuzu or Karin pregnant, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Good God! 


	6. Chapter 6

Oh boy. I know where this thing is going. But I'm as yet unsure how to get there. So feel free to drop crack ideas in your reviews.

I'm so gonna regret this tomorrow. And you get no guarentees whatsoever. I have no control over what my brain latches on to.

* * *

"Oi, where're we going?" 

"DAD! WHERE ARE-"

"You'll see when we get there!"

Ichigo's sense of dread continues to grow as Isshin drags him down the street.

"Here we are!"

Isshin stops infront of a rather large house and bangs on the front door.

"Ryuu-chan! Open up, Ryuu-chaaan!"

After a couple of very obnoxious minutes, the door opens.

"_Ishida_?!"

"Kurosaki? What are you doing here?"

"You must be Ryuu-chan's son! You're so-"

"Would you just _SHUT UP_?!"

As Ichigo continues taking out his anger on Isshin, Ryuuken appears behind Uryuu at the door.

"What are you doing here, Kurosaki?"

"Don't be so formal, Ryuu-chan! Not when we're such good friends!"

Both Ishida's readjust their glasses.

"Get in and say what you came to say. Just stop making such a scene in front of my house."

They all enter the house. Isshin and Ryuuken leave Ichigo and Uryuu in the living room.

"So, uh... This is your house?"

"No. I'm just here for my monthly meeting with Ryuuken."

"Oh... Did you know our dads knew each other?"

"No."

"Do you know why my dad dragged me here and is talking with your dad?"

"Again, no."

"Do you have an escape plan?"

"What?"

"Some way we can get out of here real fast."

"There is the back door."

"What are you two chatting about? Sharing love poems?"

Isshin's face meets table lamp.

"What the hell's wrong with you?! How the hell do you know each other?! And why the fuck did you drag me over here?!"

"We know each other cuz we were roomies in med school!"

"Unfortuneately. Now, we're going to talk about recent events."

"What?"

"Your pregnancy, Ichigo!"

"Yes, this must be discussed."

"Why? Not like it's any of your guys' business!"

"It is too our business!"

"Yes, indeed."

"You have _no_ right to say anything about my life."

"Yes, I do. I'm still your father."

"JUST GET TO THE POINT ALREADY!"

"Our grandchild!"

"Whut? Your- NO FUCKING WAY!!"

"I agree, this is ridiculous!"

"You should have thought about that before you used your gaze on him."

"He didn't believe me and told me to prove it!"

"And you just went and did it? If someone told you to-"

"THIS IS COMPLETELY DIFFERNT!"

"Not really, Ishida."

"WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?!"

"The one that lets me get a fucking abortion!"

"There will be no such thing!"

"Get out of it, old man!"

"You're still only 16 and kid! What I say is law!"

"You're saying I'm still a kid?! Why I- ... So you're gonna make a kid have a baby?"

"That's not what I said!"

"Right. Why the hell do you both want a grandkid anyway?!"

"So I can be a grandpa!"

"... and you?"

"It is simple. My son is a complete disappointment. With a grandchild I may be able to shape a proper heir."

"Fuck you."

"That was rather unrefined."

"Screw you both! This is _my_ decision!"

"But what about Uryuu-chan?"

"... well?"

"Abortion. Neither of us needs a kid. And neither of our fathers should be anywhere near an infant."

"See? It's settled."

"_Nothing_ is settled. You two are still children. Thus, the decision still lies with us."

"No it doesn't! Ishida, remember what we were talking about earlier?"

"Yes. Count of three."

"One. Two. THREE!!"

Ichigo and Ishida threw what their hands could reach at the two adults and ran out the back door.

"Ow... Ryuu-chan, our children are so mean to their daddies..."

"Ryuu-chan?"

Isshin looks around to see what had happened to Ryuuken. And finds him still standing where he was, looking at where the two boys had fled.

"Ryuu-chan, are you ok?"

Isshin grabs Ryuuken and turns him around.

"It's not the end of the world. They're just kids."

Isshin shakes him a bit.

"Snap out of it!"

Instead, Ryuuken just looks at Isshin. And promptly passes out.

"Ryuu-chan! What's wrong? What happened? ...and where are your glasses?"

* * *

This is definitely one of the longer things I've written... 


	7. Chapter 7

Err... Sorry for the wait. Had to rewrite this stupid thing several times. Stupid crack!bunnies... And holidays. And school. And work. But mostly the evil bunnies. They kept spawning and adding ideas and ARRGGG!! You would not believe the direction this is going to go...

And stupid FF and its stupid editting thing and...

* * *

Ichigo and Ishida continued their mad dash for several blocks before slowing down. 

"God, my dad's bad but that has to be the worst!"

"I'd have to agree."

"So, uh, what now?"

"...the abortion."

"But, what can we do? I mean, what can be done to uh, end this?"

"I am not entirely sure."

"What about that 'morning-after' thing?"

"That's for preventing consception."

"...?"

"You're past that already."

"Oh. So what else?"

"Don't know. I will search some online journals to see if they can provide any information."

"...where are we going to do that? Sure as hell ain't going back home to my place."

"My apartment, then."

"You have your own apartment?"

"Yes. I recall telling you this multiple times already."

"Uh... I forgot?"

"... It's this way."

Ichigo and Ishida continued down the street. Turning a corner, they literally walked into Urahara.

"The hell? What the fuck are you doing out here, Geta-boushi?"

"Oh, nothing much! Just taking a little stroll-"

"TENSHU! Where are you? I have not yet finished with my treatments of your manly injury!"

"... Come with us and and answer our questions. Or we'll tell him where you are."

"But, but..."

"TENSHU!"

"Okay, okay!"

Ishida led the others to his apartment.

---------------------------------------------------

"Wakey wakey, Ryuu-chan!" Isshin procedes to dump a bucket of water over Ryuuken's head.

"WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM?! Can't you wake me like a normal person?"

"...you wanted me to tackle you and kick you like I do Ichigo?"

"NO."

"Why did Ryuu-chan faint like that?"

"I DID NOT FAINT!"

"Yes you did!"

"This is going nowhere. Where are our sons?"

"I think they ran out the back door... So why did you faint?"

"Have you forgotten about the Quincy Gaze?"

"Don't be silly! Of course I haven't! Daddy has the mind of a beaver trap!"

"... I looked directly into your eyes without my glasses."

"So?"

"You. Are. Pregnant."

"What? Oh, now I get what you're talking about, Ryuu-chan! But it's all good!"

"Exactly _how_ is this 'all good'?"

"Don't you remember?"

"Remember what? If it involved you chances are I entirely repressed the memory."

"Daddy didn't get that but he shall continue on!"

"Daddy got a vasectomy years ago! So Daddy can't get pregnant!"

"... Thank you God, Buddha, FSM, and"

"But why didn't Ryuu-chan remember? Right after Masaki got pregnant with Yuzu and Karin she made me get one."

"_Why_ would I have remembered that?"

"Cuz you did it, silly!"

"That would explain why I have no memory of this."


End file.
